what if this is your last day?
how many times do you hear someone say, "live today as if it's your last"?
have you ever wondered if some people wake up hoping that it is their last day?
as i get older, more i know, less i understand... that was a line from something i wrote about 15 years ago.
i don't know what i did with the copy of that thing i wrote, but i still remember my first piece of writing, not affiliated with school or work.
i was 21 when i wrote that. funny now, I'm looking back at it and i said 'as i get older'... i was 21.
i wonder if I'd say the same thing 15 years from now.
couple more lines from that thing I wrote...
do you wonder why you're there for everyone else, but no one else is ever there for you?
do you wonder why ones we love are the ones that hurts us the most?
hmmmm... i was wondering for a bit, and i think i have some answers.
you think you're there for everyone else, but you're really not... you think no one else is there for you, but they are. it's just that no one that you want is ever there or you don't have them as you want them. true, we love the ones that hurt us, no one ever said that you only love the right ones. but the thing is, those who love us will hurt us. but they'll hurt from the hurt they caused, and they will truly feel bad. if they keep coming up with excuses why they hurt you, they never really truly love you... and if you see the reasons, real reasons as excuses, you never loved them either.
when you make decisions, how do you know you made the right one?
you pick one guy over another to work for you, do you secretly hope that the guy you didn't pick would fail, as much as you hope your guy will succeed?
is it crazy to hope the other guy would succeed too?
when you decide to dump someone, is the only way to confirm that you did the right thing is to see the guy fail in life? do you secretly hope he'd fail, so you can feel good about making the right decision?
hmmmm... when i dumped someone not too long ago, i really hoped that she'd bounce back and claim the happiness that she deserves... it wasn't about decisions.
ever think that if you can pin point the reasons why two people are together, then they're not really together?
soul mates. yeah, another one of those words that people use alot... 'soul mates'.
most people go life wondering what it is like to be with a soul mate... i'm lucky to not have to wonder anymore. i'm lucky to have such a wonderful and beautiful soul as my other soul.. but then, your soul mate may be the soul of the devil. or maybe it's up to you to shape the soul. it's usually the same artist that create the most beautiful paintings, that can create the most terrifying ones too.
that piece of writing i wrote 15 years ago, it was pretty depressing. i wrote it when i was sad. i remember why i was sad.
i was doing my aerobics thing (yes, i was an aerobics instructor for years and years) back in college.. after the class, this girl walks up to me and asks me if I'm a Korean. i said 'yes', and she wanted me to translate a letter in her hand. the letter was to her boyfriend.
her boyfriend was born in Korea. his mom gave him up for an adoption overseas. for years and years, he wondered why his mom let him go to the foreign land and never have a chance for a contact.
the letter was from his birth mom from Korea.
i still remember every word of that letter... every paragraph, every sentence and every words of that letter..
there are no translation for some of the words she used. the emotions of what she was going through.. and the pain she feels every day, knowing she let go of her only child... i know i couldn't translate the words, but i know i translated her feelings. every word i translated, i was fighting my own tears.. and here they are, the muscle head macho type that zips through the campus with his suzuki superbike, and the little hot blond in tight white shorts with tan darker than the carbon deposit from the exhaust of the suzuki... they were both crying out of control... so much emotions, so much bottled up feelings, so much pain...
she said on the letter, she let him go at the time so he can have better life in America. she thought she let him go at the time, because she loved him and it was right thing to do.
she apologized time and time again because what she made herself believe isn't what really happened. she says that she let him go, because she was weak. she was scared. she covered up the single worst mistake of her life with a very believable and heroic excuse. and every day, she lived in pain because what she did wasn't right... and she was dying. her only wish was to see him in person.
i wonder tho... do you think his life is better that he grew up here in the states with well off parents that buys him everything he wants? do you think the love that his adopted parents can equal the love he could have gotten from his own birth mother? if he had a choice, i wonder which way he would have gone.
too often, we think a life is better when you don't have to worry about going hungry.... or worry about physical well being.
i know one thing.
i would never give up my own children, no matter what the circumstances are.
i once didn't have to worry about going hungry.
now, i worry about having to make sure that 4 other beautiful souls don't go hungry.
and yeah, it can be stressful. but i would never trade what i have for anything on earth.. and heaven.
never underestimate the connection and power of love.
and oh yeah, the guy did visit his mom in time.
and i'm sure the minutes she spent with her birth son were the most precious minutes of her life.
just think... it could have been lifetime of precious minutes...
and that's what i have.
i have lifetime of precious minutes with my wifie, and my kids. and i'm lucky for every minute i get to live.
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